Archive for the 'Whatever' Category

Teetering on the brink

I “officially” quit smoking on March 5th (March 4th in USA) which was 3 months and 20 days ago. Chantix got me over the hump which was relatively easy compared to going cold turkey, and since then I’ve been living as a non-smoker which means I don’t carry cigarettes, I don’t buy cigarettes, and I definitely don’t smoke every day. But I still kind of want to smoke, especially if I have a beer or three!

Things were just fine until I got all stressed over the possibility of some asshole backing out of a deal to buy my iphoneappreviews.net website… more on that later when the situation gets resolved… and Terry has unwittingly introduced me to two girls who smoke daily and are therefore bad influences because I’ve bummed cigs off both of them in my ongoing and pathetic attempts to be charming and relatable. I don’t blame them, I blame me, but that dog really needs to start hooking me up with non-smokers.

Since I no longer buy cigarettes I can’t smoke unless one magically appears in my hand. That happened tonite when I looked in what used to be my Smoking Room (the tiny closet in my apartment where the A/C unit is) and I found this old, wrinkled, deformed thing sitting there. It wasn’t in a pack. It was just sitting there and it was kind of dirty. I smoked it! Shit. I’m bad. But that is literally the last cigarette that was in my possession, and the first one I’ve lit up since going on a weird non-date at the Han River about a week ago with this 30-something female and her dog. Terry chaperoned.

posted by Michael in Whatever on 6/24/2012 | No Comments

How to make your website look like it’s super popular even though it’s actually an unknown piece of shit

1. Go to Fiverr and search for Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter, or whatever social network you want to look good on.

2. Pay your $5 and wait however long they say it’ll take… usually it’s a day or two.

3. Voila, your website looks like it’s all popular even though it’s definitely not!

I just did this myself for my wacky new website KICKED IN THE BALLS, and in the space of 24 hours I’ve gone from 2 Facebook fans (me being one, my brother being the other) to 1,149 (that cost me $5), from zero Twitter followers to 21,768 ($5), and from maybe 5-6 Pinterest followers to nearly 900 which should be over 1,000 soon ($5).

OMG isn’t that awesome??!! The answer is no, not really. Truth is you get what you pay for, and when you pay $5 you’re gonna get about $5 worth of, uh, stuff. I definitely wasn’t expecting to suddenly get 1,000 legitimate Facebook “likes” overnight, but I was curious about what these people are selling on Fiverr and wanted to give it a try.

So… what ARE they selling? Well, one way to put it is that they’re selling a stuffed bra. It looks good on the surface, but once you reach in there and start groping you’ll find that the Likes and Followers are all bullshit because they come from fake accounts and will never result in any direct sales or traffic spikes. I guess it’s possible that there could eventually be approximately $5 worth of residual benefits because social networking just works that way in general, but as of right now I’m going to declare my $15 investment a giant kick in the balls! See what I did there? If you don’t get it, go check out KICKED IN THE BALLS.

Below is a look at one of the Fiverr deals I bought and the review I posted after the service was delivered.

 

For google: how to get Facebook likes, how to get lots of Twitter followers, how to get Pinterest followers, Fiverr SEO services

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posted by Michael in Whatever on 6/18/2012 | No Comments

And the difference between North Korea and South Korea is…

This is funny if you’ve ever played Starcraft. If you haven’t then maybe it’s just mildly amusing for reasons you don’t fully understand.

posted by Michael in Whatever on 5/25/2012 | No Comments

Dear Twitter followers…

…all 11 of you. I think LIK is back on Twitter. It stopped auto-tweeting in November of last year and I just now noticed that some settings got messed up in my WP to Twitter plugin, so I fixed that and this post should, in theory, get tweeted. If it doesn’t then I dunno wtf the problem is and frankly I don’t really care!

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posted by Michael in Whatever on 5/16/2012 | No Comments

11 days in Korea

Dad's first beer in Korea at a chicken hof after getting off the airport bus

Dad's first beer in Korea at a chicken hof after getting off the airport bus

So my dad came to visit not too long ago. I’ve been living in Korea now for a total of more than five years, and he’s the FIRST member of my family to come here! Well it’s about goddam time.

I suck at planning stuff, but there’s no way I was gonna let Dad visit Korea and be bored, so plan I did. Only a couple of things had to actually get booked in advance, but it was good to have a daily schedule of shit to do! And doing all of this stuff with Dad made me realize just how much stuff I myself still hadn’t seen.

Below is a day-by-day summary of our wild & crazy adventures.

Day 1photos

Dad got in on a Thursday night, so I’m counting Friday as his first day in Korea. We got up early and went to Ben & BHYB’s place to borrow Ben’s car, and about 10 minutes after getting on the expressway towards Suwon (a suburb that’s south of Seoul) I promptly drove through an automated toll booth without having an electronic toll thing in the car. Shit. Oops.

Anyway, we visited a Korean Folk Village that showed what life was like in Korea a long time ago. Lots of school kids were there on class trips and they practiced their English with the tall white guy. Afterwards we went to the Suwon Hwaseong Fortress. We accidentally walked up to the top of the hill behind the fortress thinking the entrance was up there, which it wasn’t, so we just said ok fuck it we’ll ride the trolley car around the fortress instead. Great idea. It was a beautiful day, nice relaxing ride, and we just cabbed it back to the parking lot where the car was.

Almost showtime at the Korean Folk Village

Day 2photos

My Master Plan had us going to Gyeongju on days 2-3-4, so on Saturday we went to Express Bus Terminal and got on a bus. 4.5 hours later we arrived in Gyeongju but it was too late to do anything (all the tourist shit there closes around 5-6 pm). We just had dinner, wandered a while, and wound up in a nearly empty bar where some guy was singing really old songs that my dad actually knew.

Btw, Gyeongju (aka Kyungju or Gyungju) is filled with old historical shit from the Silla Dynasty back around 700 A.D., plus it’s very scenic and whatnot. So that’s why we went.

If you plan on going there yourself, there’s some night tour you can go on where tourist sites are lit up all fancylike. I think they only do it on Friday and Saturday nights, but you need to book it in advance. Dad and I tried to get seats but it was full.

I could read this guy's mind, he was thinking 'why the fuck am I singing to five people on a Saturday night'

Day 3photos

Sunday was our only full day in Gyeongju so we got on a city tour that I booked the day before by phone. We did “Course 1” which took us to these places:

Bulkuksa Temple (Buddhist temple)
Silla History and Science Hall
Bunhwangsa (a partial pagoda that’s really old)
Tomb of General Kim Yushin
Cheonmachong (Tomb mound that you can walk into)
Gyeongju National Museum
Anapji Pond
Cheomseongdae Observatory

That’s most of the major shit you’d want to see in Gyeongju, so if you’re gonna do a tour do that one! The tour guide was speaking in Korean only but there were English placards in some places and I had Wikipedia on my iPhone.

The hotel we stayed in was Hotel Concorde which has no A/C (wtf??) but we didn’t really need it because it was still spring. The place is pretty old and it shows, but they do have a nice breakfast buffet! It was included in the price of the rooms, and it was pretty well stocked… scrambled eggs, bacon, sausages, cereal, Korean food (of course). I was expecting coffee and donuts so it was a nice surprise.

Dad was mad that he decided against his wide angle lens that day

Check out this kickass 50 yr old radio between the beds at the hotel

Check out this kickass 50 yr old radio between the beds at the hotel

Day 4 | photos

We were departing back to Seoul on Monday, so before leaving we tried to go to some Expo Park that I saw on a tourist map, but it was deserted and possibly closed. Dad took a picture of a weird building and then we tried to go to Seokguram Grotto. That was a mistake. We took a taxi up the goddam mountain (about ₩17,000 just to get up there), it was all windy and rainy so we said ok fuck this and got back in the cab, and then we drove back to the hotel to get our crap and go to the KTX station to get back to Seoul. Basically we spent the entire morning in a taxi that drove us around for like 2 hours.

After getting back to my place, I went and got Terry from Lee’s apartment and then Dad, Terry, and I went for a walk by the river.

Weird building at the Expo thing in Gyeongju

Day 5photos

Tuesday was Seoul City Bus Tour day. We headed up to Itaewon for lunch and then jumped on the bus which picks up right in front of Nashville (across from Hamilton Hotel). ₩10,000 gets you on and off the bus all day so we rode it to Seoul Tower, a couple of palaces, Dongdaemun, and then back to Itaewon.

I tried to talk my dad into going on Disco Jump in Dongdaemun with all the screaming 14 year old girls but he wasn’t interested. Also we could have seen a protest in Gwanghwamun but we were already on the bus and I think being a spectator at riots is more my thing, not Dad’s.

Standing in front of some palace... I think it's Changdeokgung

Day 6photos

Wednesday was designated as Museum Day so we went to the Seoul National Museum which is fucking huuuuuuuge, and then we went to the Korean War Memorial Hall by Itaewon. We didn’t actually make it into the War Memorial Hall because we spent a lot of time inspecting the old tanks, airplanes, and artillery that’s parked outside. We would have gone inside (it’s free) but we had to take off and get to Myeongdong for the Nanta show I had booked a week before.

Dramatic sky above the Korean War Memorial Hall

Dramatic sky above the Korean War Memorial Hall

Not sure if this is the same cast we saw performing Nanta or not

I think this is the same cast we saw performing Nanta

Day 7photos

Thursday was DMZ day! There are two different DMZ tours… one takes you to Panmunjeom, aka Joint Security Area, and the other takes you to see the 3rd Infiltration Tunnel that North Korea dug for the purpose of sneaking 10 billion troops into Seoul. If you have to choose, do the Panmunjeom tour, but I booked us on both in one day.

We did Panmunjeom first and it was ok but the U.S. Army tour guide could have been a lot more thorough with describing shit. If you’ve never done this tour before then you’ll never know what he didn’t tell you, but I went on a tour once before where a lot more trivia was shared.

Things went downhill, literally, at the tour of the infiltration tunnel. When you do this tour during nice weather it’ll be super crowded which means you’ll probably have to walk down a really long tunnel to see the infiltration tunnel. That’s fine, except walking back up really blows, and 72 year old Dad wasn’t impressed by this leg of the tour. I did this once before in the winter when only an idiot would go, so that time I was able to ride down into the tunnel (and back up) in a roller coaster car.

If you’re planning a DMZ tour, think about skipping the tunnel. It’s literally just a giant hole in the ground.

All three of the soldiers had boners, they told me in Korean

Day 8photos

On Friday we went back to the Korean War Memorial Hall since we never got to go in on Wednesday, and that night we went to Noryangjin Fish Market. My label on Dad’s photo album calls it the Noksapyeong Fish Market, but it’s definitely not in Noksapyeong.

We met up with Lee, Ben, and BHYB and then picked out a couple of crabs, gigantic prawns, and some scallops, and then of course one of the restaurants at the market cooked it all up. Dad wasn’t a big fan of sitting on the floor, but he survived.

True story: some lady at Noryangjin Fish Market asked my dad if he was pregnant

True story: some lady at Noryangjin Fish Market asked my dad if he was pregnant

Day 9 | no photos

Saturday was amazing. The Korean parliament held a special lunch in our honor and gave us both medals for speaking English so well, we won a national kimchi eating contest, and then we spotted Kim Jong Il’s dead rotting corpse flipping burgers at Lotteria! Dad forgot to put his memory card in his camera that day so we don’t have any pictures, but all that stuff totally happened.


The memory card got left at home but my iPhone didn’t

Day 10photos

On Sunday we met up with my friend Pat and his wife to see Seodaemun Prison, and then we headed to Gwanghwamun/City Hall to see what was left of the 2012 International Friendship Fair’s food tents. After walking way too long down the man-made river Cheonggyecheon we stopped at Express Bus Terminal to see The Avengers.

Now that's a big flag

Now that's a big flag

Day 11photos

Monday was Dad’s last full day in Seoul so we rode the subway up to Ilsan and got a taxi to take us to the Holt Ilsan Town where I was a resident for a short time when I was a toddler. They don’t really do formal tours but it seems like they will give tours to pretty much anyone who shows up.

We talked with Molly Holt for a while and then one of their staff members took us around to some of the buildings… they have private residences, a small medical center, a school, and facilities for physical therapy since a lot of the residents are disabled either physically, mentally, or both.

It was a nice way to cap off Dad’s epic tour of Korea.

Holt Ilsan "Welfare Town" is a big place

Holt Ilsan "Welfare Town" is a big place

posted by Michael in Culture,Whatever on 5/15/2012 | No Comments

The LIK Page Rank Experiment!

I’ve never attempted to promote LIK and I’ve never cared about how many “hits” LIK is getting, and this is mainly because I don’t give a shit who’s reading this stupid blog! The core audience here is about 4 people including myself, so SEO isn’t exactly high on my list of priorities where Lost in Korea is concerned.

BUT!

I just want to try something. I’ve noticed that a lot of other Korea-related blogs have pretty good Google page ranks, usually in the 3-5 range, and I’d like to see if reciprocal link trades can get LIK in that area too. Why? I dunno. I guess I’m bored.

So right now LIK has a page rank of zero and an Alexa rating of 4,423,765. Both of those numbers are bad! The page rank number should go up and the Alexa number should go down, since a low Alexa number is a good Alexa number. I haven’t requested link trades with anyone, but I’ve added a new section of links in the sidebar titled “More Korea Blogs”, so over time I’ll be trying to get those guys to link back to LIK. Some will, some won’t, but in the end I think it’ll be fun to see how page rank and Alexa are affected. Well, fun for me, anyway! This kind of shit bores most people, but if SEO gives you a boner then pay close attention.

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posted by Michael in Whatever on 5/15/2012 | No Comments

Check it out ladies! (NSFW)

I walk Terry a lot, and sometimes we find stuff on the ground. We find cigarette butts. We find ads for hookers. We find shit from other dogs. Sometimes we even find folding money! Today we found an ad for what appears to be a dildo-like condom.

I’m not 100% sure of what this ad says, but it definitely looks like it’s selling a molded cock-shaped thing that you slip onto whatever projectile-type objects you may have handy, and then you shove your newly-sheathed makeshift sex toy up the hole of your choice and do your worst! The funny part is that this ad shows two different sizes. The smaller cock condom is for younger ladies and their untrained vaginas, and the bigger one is for older women whose junk has apparently been stretched out by years and years of sexual gymnastics. Luckily when you place your order you get one of each! Or maybe you get two of the same size? I dunno! Who cares! Share them with your friends!

posted by Michael in Whatever on 4/24/2012 | No Comments

Fuck you Philip Morris!

I’ve been smoking for close to 25 years, but for some reason I don’t look like this yet:

But still, I don’t really feel like waiting until my face looks like an old wrinkled ass with a cigarette sticking out of the butthole.

Truth is, what motivated me to quit was a conversation I had with a friend a few weeks ago. She’s 37, a few years younger than me, and we were drinking and talking about life choices, and the next day I was like, “fuck smoking! I’m gonna quit!” Maybe it was the hangover talking.

So I mentioned this to another friend who happens to be a heavy drinker AND a heavy smoker, and she quickly produced some pills that would help me quit. I knew one of them was Champix (aka Chantix in USA), but I didn’t find out until later that the big pill was Wellbutrin, a stop-smoking drug that competes with Chantix. My friend isn’t a doctor but she was telling me to take both of them together, twice a day. After talking to an actual doctor, I decided to get a Chantix prescription of my own. I gave the Chantix/Wellbutrin collection back to my friend.

Read more…

posted by Michael in Whatever on 3/7/2012 | No Comments

Goodbye cigarettes, again

posted by Michael in Whatever on 2/17/2012 | No Comments

Happy New Year and Happy Valentine’s Day, all rolled into one

I’ve been away for a while and my current life does consist of more than this, I swear. Updates and many out-of-date photos are on the way.

Also, if you’re a 50 year old woman and you do actually have a swimming pool full of Italian Beef, I take it all back. In that case, 50 is the new 19 and I couldn’t want you more!

posted by Michael in Whatever on 2/14/2012 | No Comments

I help people, even the monumentally stupid

I got two emails yesterday through iPhone App Reviews from the same person:

I am surprised to be billed significant purchases for the pocket god games when I did not authorize the purchases.  I would like to request that the purcahses be reversed and cancelled.  Please let me know how to proceed with this.

and then a few minutes later…

I do not understand why these applications are being charged to my Itunes account without my authority.  I would like an explanation.

So I very calmly replied with “Sorry I have no idea what’s going on with your billing. You need to contact either the makers of those apps or take the matter up with Apple’s billing department. We just review apps, we have nothing to do with your iTunes account.”

I think I deserve some kind of medal for not telling her that she’s a fucking moron.

posted by Michael in Whatever on 12/5/2011 | Comments (2)

A Thanksgiving Miracle! Or not…

Tonite was the annual Thanksgiving dinner hosted by Bama, and after dinner his gf Jenny did a trivia game where the first two prizes were crap that Bama wanted to get rid of (Buffy the Vampire Slayer DVDs and an old hookah), and the final Grand Prize was two tickets to the Boyz2Men concert tomorrow (Sunday) night. The tickets were very kindly furnished by our friend Jeff the club promoter.

Unfortunately my teammate Pat and I won! Ehh. With my incredible powers of deduction I figured out that the answer was Angelina Jolie… we both wanted to win just for the sake of winning and laughing at Alaska Jae the loser, but neither of us really gives a shit about seeing a group of middle-aged guys who made their living from singing shit we didn’t even like 20 years ago when it was big. We tried to give the tix to Nate and his wife who just hosted a posh birthday bash two weeks ago for Nate’s bday, but they declined. If unloading the tickets on Facebook and/or craigslist doesn’t happen in the next 12 hours I’m gonna try to sucker some girl I know into going with me. If THAT fails, and it probably will, then Pat and I just might go despite how gay it would be.

The tickets have a face value of about $85 each so we’re both inclined to go instead of flushing them down the shitter. But if we go to this thing together, who’s the Man and who’s the Woman? I dunno but I’ll gladly be the woman if it means Pat pays for all the booze. And no I’m NOT putting out! Shh, he’s not supposed to know that.

posted by Michael in Whatever on 11/26/2011 | No Comments

Greatest OWS protest sign yet

Even hardcore Republicans can’t deny the truth in this sign. Yes Dad, I’m talking to you!! 🙂

"If they enforced bank regulation like they do park rules we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place"

"If they enforced bank regulation like they do park rules, we wouldn't be in this mess in the first place"

 

posted by Michael in Whatever on 11/21/2011 | No Comments

Korean guys are known for their huge… fingers

Posted on facebook by someone who I apparently met while sitting on the taco truck.

I don’t know who these people are but… they funny!

posted by Michael in Whatever on 11/17/2011 | No Comments

Bluehost sucks balls

This is Bluehost’s idea of “tech support”:

1. Shut down your account
2. When you call to ask why they shut it down, they respond with “something went wrong, you have to figure it out and fix it and your sites will be down until then”

Asking those dickheads for help of any kind is usually met with a link to their Terms of Service which apparently includes the clause “fuck off, we don’t support shit”.

So that’s where LIK has been the past few months… lost in Bluehost’s blackhole of shitty service. I’ve since moved to a new host where they actually do offer tech support, so I can go back to posting useless garbage here!

If  you need web hosting go to Webair which is just as cheap as Bluehost, except they actually have tech support staff who are willing to do their job.

So in conclusion, FUCK YOU BLUEHOST! Worst. Web hosting. Ever.

Bluehost sucks so bad somebody went and made a website about it

posted by Michael in Whatever on 11/15/2011 | Comments (3)